Reinstating My Man Card

Many of my readers may not know there’s an official Man Card a select group of us guys have.  No joke, the Man Card* is real!  I’m not talking about some lame credit card or a lamer yet library card but I mean an authentic Man Card. Customized and imprinted with my name and my own unique membership number.  I even have a Certificate of Authenticity!  Problem is, I got caught violating my manly duties and zippo, they revoked it!  Lost my manly pride along with my Man Card and gave in to my cravings for female companionship and worse yet, matrimonyIt all crashed down around me a few years ago and I think it’s time I get my card back!

Women and that four-letter word L-O-V-E are the main culprits.  Dogs are man’s best friend but I admit it, I’m weak when it comes to the opposite sex.  Women are great, but boundaries prevail.  Of course there are lots of ways we can lose our high-station, and the privileges that go along with our Man Cards, but in my case this is my Achilles heel of a lifetime.  The fact is Love (translated women) have ruined more of my manly bro-to-bro relationships than anything I can think of.  Now I know what you’re thinkin’:  Tragic!  Thankfully there are various ways to get our certification back, ways to quick restitution.  Among them growing an epic beard; killing a 12-point buck with a bow; building a log cabin; rastlin’ a bear or surviving a rattlesnake bite.  All will do wonders to earn back the privileged Man Card.  Climbing Everest is really cool and big tattoos help too.  Being 1/10 as manly as Steve McQueen will earn you bonus points.  Unfortunately none of those are much my styleI did once remove my own appendix with just a razor blade and a piece of gauze, but with so much passage in time the Man Card people say it’s beyond their ability to verify.

Yep, It’ll be harder for me, a longer row to hoe that’s for sure, but I’m okay with that.  Obviously there are certain degrees of manhood and I’m 65th in the percentile rankings of being everything many of those in the group aspire to.  Guess you could say I’m slightly above mid-way in all things manly.  I’ll never go higher.  Anyone who really knows me knows that.  But no one knows when I show them my Man Card.  No bronze, silver or gold stars affixed.  We’re all the same, even Chuck Norris and me.  I’m good with that.

Well enough reminiscing… time to enter my man cave, where I can put my feet up and once again be my disgusting self.  There I’ll read my new book How to Drive a Tank and with one last session of licking my wounds — from mistakes of years past — I will come out into the sunshine, sometime in the next day or two.  It’ll be the “new me” with renewed virility and raw manlihoodness.  It’s been years since I’ve seen reruns of The Man Show and next weekend I’m heading to the drag races!  The following week I’m gettin’ in some shotgun target practice with my main-man Ed.  Maybe get bold, do something really dumb and wear a Yankees hat!  Might even change my name to Rick Rambo.  So much to catch-up on.  Life couldn’t be sweeter!  Or could it?  Comments encouraged.

*The official and world’s only authentic Man Card is available exclusively at this site.

12 thoughts on “Reinstating My Man Card

  1. Rick! I just adore your blog!!! It is generally the high point of my days (at least the days you post). I love your wit…and I’m really glad that you’re my family (ok…so in a round about way, somewhere along the line, we have the same ancestors). Keep up the great work!!!

    1. Judy,

      You make me blush with your words of adoration. I can only say, thank you, thank you so very much. You cannot imagine how much everyone’s praise and positive feedback means to me.

      Yes, we are distant as relatives, fifth cousins to be precise, but family nevertheless. We’re both descendants of our 4th great-grandparents Colonel John Patton (1745-1804) and his wife Jane Bartholomew Davis (1752-1832). You descend through their son William, my branch through their son John. All from great pioneer families with stories I hope to share within these pages.

      All I would add is, if I’m the “high point” of some of your days, you just need to get out more!

      All the best to you cousin, and to the rest of the family.

  2. Hi Rick,

    How old are you??!!

    Come on, get real!! Maybe you should leave your computer once in a while and get out more! (Not that I don’t get a laugh out of some of your blogs)

    I know that if I could live in the Seattle area, I would spend more time outdoors, with all that beautiful GREENERY and WATER instead of SAND and TUMBLEWEEDS! (which I do when I go to Seattle)

    Heck, you might meet someone!

    Mary Jo
    (another “distant” cousin) 🙂

    1. Hello Mary Jo!

      Guess I’ll take ’em one at a time.

      Old enough that I don’t want to ever lose my Man Card again! Maybe what I need is to hang-out with a younger crowd!

      I’m out all the time. I can’t get Internet access without being out! I meet people all-the-time! Didn’t you read my post about Starbucks? And I haven’t written anything yet about McDonalds, Fat Burger, Mac’s Roadhouse or the LA Fitness Center! People to meet everywhere I go. Just said “hello” to a gal as she walked by here! (She smiled … really big! I think she winked!)

      Right you are on Seattle! If money wasn’t too tight to mention, believe me — when I say — I’d be somewhere in Seattle taking in the sunshine, water and beautiful people as I type this (Kirkland sounds really good). However I have to deal with the realities of my particular situation and the sunshine isn’t going to last much longer here anyway.

      Keep the faith! I do!

      Like Judy just below, we’re also 5th cousins! How weird is that? :0

      1. Sorry Rick!

        No I did not read your Starbucks post, I was in Maui, with another of your 5th cousin, my sister. Had a lot of emails when I got back, must have accidentally deleted it.

        Maybe you should have a 5th cousin meetup in Seattle!!

        Mary Jo

  3. Hysterical! Hope that book gives you some pointers. (moo haw haw)

    You don’t want your place to look like a gas station ya know. But then again, that would be uh…manly??

    Have an awesome day my friend!

  4. Well I’m not sure I have ever even heard of a man card. I really had no idea until reading this blog, going to the link Rick provided and learning the rules of being a bonifide card carrying man.

    After reading those rules I don’t thnik I would have ever been qualfied to have a man card let alone retain it once the powers that be of man world (or whatever) found out about my transgressions.

    You see I actually like some films that man card carrying men would consider “chick flicks”. I don’t mean I watch the TV’s Lifetime Channel, but I think “Fried Green Tomatoes at The Whistle Stop Cafe” is a great film. Yet I also like “No Country For Old Men” and “One Night at McCools”. On the other hand you could not pay me enought to sit through a “Conan the Barbarian” type film. No card for me !!!!

    And still, while in many respects I might qualify for a man card, there also things I do and believe that would have me drummed out of the group. For instance, I have a man cave. Yes it is full of my driving rig for Gran Turismo, manly pictures, and all the accouterments one might expect of such a den. But, on the other hand, my wife walks in unannounced and without restriction whenever the spirit moves her. Cancels that out. I like cheese burgers and beer, rare steak and other manly food. But, I have also been known to eat quiche, and will likely do so again. No points for that. I know where my steak comes from but I don’t find it necessarliy fun to go out and murder other animals who are unarmed. No sport in that. Well there I go, out of man world again.

    I could go on but I’m sure readers get the picture. And, no, I’m not a metrosexual either.

    1. You should write you own blog Leroy, very funny!

      I’m happy to report that liking “chick flicks” — while it might raise a few eyebrows — will not result in Man Card revocation. However, the blatant disregard for security in your Man Cave and the quiche thing are items of a different matter. BUT I know you’re a retired U.S. Marine and that can go a long-ways toward redemption.

      I’m sure your Man Card quotient would find you in the 80+ percentile rankings. Even the powers-that-be at HQ have hearts. After all they’re men! An application is in the mail.

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