Many of my readers may not know there’s an official Man Card a select group of us guys have. No joke, the Man Card* is real! I’m not talking about some lame credit card or a lamer yet library card but I mean an authentic Man Card. Customized and imprinted with my name and my own unique membership number. I even have a Certificate of Authenticity! Problem is, I got caught violating my manly duties and zippo, they revoked it! Lost my manly pride along with my Man Card and gave in to my cravings for female companionship and worse yet, matrimony. It all crashed down around me a few years ago and I think it’s time I get my card back!
Women and that four-letter word L-O-V-E are the main culprits. Dogs are man’s best friend but I admit it, I’m weak when it comes to the opposite sex. Women are great, but boundaries prevail. Of course there are lots of ways we can lose our high-station, and the privileges that go along with our Man Cards, but in my case this is my Achilles heel of a lifetime. The fact is Love (translated women) have ruined more of my manly bro-to-bro relationships than anything I can think of. Now I know what you’re thinkin’: Tragic! Thankfully there are various ways to get our certification back, ways to quick restitution. Among them growing an epic beard; killing a 12-point buck with a bow; building a log cabin; rastlin’ a bear or surviving a rattlesnake bite. All will do wonders to earn back the privileged Man Card. Climbing Everest is really cool and big tattoos help too. Being 1/10 as manly as Steve McQueen will earn you bonus points. Unfortunately none of those are much my style. I did once remove my own appendix with just a razor blade and a piece of gauze, but with so much passage in time the Man Card people say it’s beyond their ability to verify.
Yep, It’ll be harder for me, a longer row to hoe that’s for sure, but I’m okay with that. Obviously there are certain degrees of manhood and I’m 65th in the percentile rankings of being everything many of those in the group aspire to. Guess you could say I’m slightly above mid-way in all things manly. I’ll never go higher. Anyone who really knows me knows that. But no one knows when I show them my Man Card. No bronze, silver or gold stars affixed. We’re all the same, even Chuck Norris and me. I’m good with that.
Well enough reminiscing… time to enter my man cave, where I can put my feet up and once again be my disgusting self. There I’ll read my new book How to Drive a Tank and with one last session of licking my wounds — from mistakes of years past — I will come out into the sunshine, sometime in the next day or two. It’ll be the “new me” with renewed virility and raw manlihoodness. It’s been years since I’ve seen reruns of The Man Show and next weekend I’m heading to the drag races! The following week I’m gettin’ in some shotgun target practice with my main-man Ed. Maybe get bold, do something really dumb and wear a Yankees hat! Might even change my name to Rick Rambo. So much to catch-up on. Life couldn’t be sweeter! Or could it? Comments encouraged.
*The official and world’s only authentic Man Card is available exclusively at this site.